*******

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

*******

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

********

There was this case in this hospital’s Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed on Friday mornings around 9am regardless of their age, gender, medical history or medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural: Why did death occur at that same bed around the same time every Friday?

So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of the deaths.

Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. The new (unknowing) patient laid there.

Some doctors held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil…and they waited.

8am, the patient was still alive…

8.30am…still breathing…

Just before the ‘cursed’ time, the door to the ward swung open…

Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner!

Or…..

This one?

Which ever it is I know the last one can make the girl drop dead hahaha

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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:she really don’t have any idea what to say hahaha

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey
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:An appropriate comment for wanting to be skinny….

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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:important part of your life? LOL

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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:How come I didn’t know there is so many knee on our body?

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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:and you point is?….

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas
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:LOL, telling everyone he is a jackass

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
–Al Gore, Vice President
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:then what cause the pollution?

“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .”
– Dan Quayle
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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca
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:err… alot?

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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:Genius is not applicable in football???? Are you sure?

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
– Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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:The different is????

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances. ”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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:Em… I don’t think the guy will rise from the dead man

“Traditionally, most of Australia ’s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery
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uh!

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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:Then what the f*ck you use it if you gonna die tomorrow?

Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to your brilliant friends. I just did !!
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